1 year ago

20 some odd months ago Brock was born. After a few hours they gave him to me. and I sat and looked at him. I honestly couldn't believe he was mine. This kid seems too special to be mine. I can tell you I checked our wrist bands in the first few hours a few times to make sure. He seemed so alert and like he could read my mind. I was terrified. He was too beautiful, he has to special for me. I felt like I couldn't be his mother. So many people commented on his spirit and how wonderful he was. He just looked at people and had this magical trance on them. I really felt like he could read minds. It was like he knew people he would connect to random strangers, countless times I was told he made there day so much better. And he was given to me, and I had no idea what to do with him. I knew how to do certain motherly things, but there's something about him. I remember crying and calling the doctor because he never slept. I couldn't keep up with him. 
I felt like a horrible mom, after about 6 months I had finally felt like I had a schedule and was doing better. And then after we came home from our Christmas trip it all fell to pieces. He would scream for hours and couldn't be soothed. He ended up crying himself to sleep because we couldn't figure out a way to calm him down. It was a hard time for everyone. After months of struggling to get him to sleep for a few hours at a time, we came to this day one year ago. He was 8 1/2 months old, I learned how long 3 minutes felt like. The boy I didn't think I deserved was turning purple, shaking, and lifeless. I prayed not to take him away from me, that I would try harder! I learned what I do when I am panicking. And after that 3 minutes I became more afraid then I ever have in my entire life. My little boy couldn't respond to me. He was a shell, it was like his spirit was gone (the one everyone talked about) it was gone. That right there was far scarier then anything that I have ever experienced. The day was a rough one. I had had so much adrenaline and he came back and he was fine. But I wanted answers I felt like I had lost my baby. I felt like he was gone even though it was only for 15 minutes, I wanted to know why. We where told wait. I remember it was st Patrick's day and I had a key lime pie in the freezer to celebrate, but it stayed in the freezer for months. I remember people kept telling me how amazing of a mom I was but how I didn't feel amazing, I didn't want to be amazing. And I didn't know what to think or do. I just felt like I was treading water.

He kept having seizures and was hospitalized for testing.  Later being diagnosed with epilepsy, When I think back to it, I know I shut down.

And then I found out I was pregnant again. From the moment I found out (which was 13 weeks along) he was a special thought. I knew he was a piece maker, a calmer downer, from the beginning. I knew Brock did better around other people. That he needed a challenge. Heavenly Father comforted me that this baby was for Brock, that they needed each other. After a few months and 9 more seizures. I watched him progress and digress having seizures. Brock was maxed out on one medication and started another. He was so full of meds that he struggled so bad. He cried and was sad and just wanted to be held and sleep. I felt like I had lost that boy again. He wasn't his happy self. He didn't have any more seizures after the 2nd medication, but it was still hard. Now he was a slug slowly moving like half his brain half working.We never left him alone and we tried to find things to entertain him for just a little while and make him happy. I prayed and knew it was right for him to be in the medication. He got better, especially after we weaned Him off One medication. There are still some things we struggle with, with the medication like in the morning it makes him tired and cranky for a little while but not long, in the evening if we put off giving it to him like if we are out later, he really has a hard time. And some side effects are weight loss and kidney stones. We still will have EEG and some ultrasounds (to make sure there are no kidney stones)

  Now a year to the date of his first seizure, 9 months since he has had a seizure. From still learning to crawl to running, jumping, sliding, swinging little boy. He can count to 3 and knows a few colors. He sings pop corn popping and old mc Donald. He knows how to pray, knows who Jesus is and how to lead music. He isn't a morning person and he likes either his dad or his mom when he wakes up not both. He likes to cuddle for the first 15 minutes after waking up and then wants his brother. He thinks drinks are "more" and is always thirsty. He lets me know he loves me, and he gives kisses and hugs. He loves it with we give him a "Hug sandwich". He knows some shapes like stars and circles. We have completely lost count of his vocabulary, its so big.  He loves to go to the park and color. He cannot stand it if I am cooking and he isn't watching and helping. He loves babies and takes care of them. He loves kids and loves to laugh. He adores his brother more then anything. He loves animals of all kinds, but is very careful around them. He is a happy boy, full of love and a very sweet spirit. (still doesn't sleep so well ;)) How grateful we are that we still have a sweet boy. That even though he has epilepsy it something he can still grow and learn and hopefully grow out of. We are grateful, that we can look back and think about how hard it was, but how many people love us, and how comforted we felt. And how grateful we are for them. My testimony in the Holy Ghost and prayer has grown so much. My trials are my trials and I am grateful for them. They help me learn and grow and be a better person. They will help me get back to Heavenly Father again. And be together with all of my boys forever. What a great blessing that is. 

 We have 15 more months of medication and if he doesn't have a seizure we can wean him off the medication. When he is off his medication there is a 6 month wait. If he doesn't have a seizure during that time he can be considered seizure free and the diagnose of Epilepsy turns to Childhood epilepsy. 

Ironically enough March 26th is Epilepsy Awareness day. If anyone would like to join us next Wednesday, by wearing purple and supporting epilepsy awareness. And If you do, please send me a picture so I can show Brock! 

Mom Winn this post is for you!

The Sister Missionaries came into our ward about 6-7 months ago, Michael is the Ward Mission leader assistant so they contacted him that they were here, and we invited them over for dinner! That is when we met Sister Winn, and Sister Lunt. We try and feed the missionaries every month (we end up doing it a few more times but at least once!) They have come and helped me a few times, and we have made it a tradition that every time one of them leaves for a transfer they come visit and say goodbye. Needless to say we have gotten very close to the Sister Missionaries here. I love it, and I wish I could go out and teach but I have my own little Mission called mission Mom!
I found out that it was our Sister Winn's birthday in March talking to her about my sisters mission call to her. They are only a month apart. She never told me the day though, I had to be all sneaky about that. I have been talking to her mom for a few weeks getting all this info her birthday info.
It was soo soo hard not to say anything. I tried not to even get a big grin on my face when she asked me what time to come over.
And here is the Sister Winn Birthday celebration

 Here is Brock painting a picture for her birthday card

 Brock decorating her cake

 He was s little excited

 The works, We had homemade pitas (recipe from the Winn family) chicken salad or taco meat all the toppings, and fruit salad. Michael came home early from studying boards to help (pray for him to pass!) We invited the Hazelwoods to come as well (the couple missionaries that they are good friends with as well). They did a great job not saying anything either.

 Check out the snow/ice outside.

 She was happy we had signed up for her for her Birthday but had no idea we knew about her birthday. I was so impressed I kept the surprise! She kept saying no way, no way!

 the close up of Brock's cake decoration skills, Sister Winn loved it.

 We got Sister Winn some Hichews with some grape flavored added in.

 Brock decided he needed the Candy instead.

I was showing off my cool Camera to the Hazelwoods and took a picture. I thought it was so funny that Sister Winn is the only one smiling 

 Oh sister Jager :)

 She loved having Will sleep in her arms. She said she couldn't go home until Will woke up.

Babies

Lately Brock has really started to play. I mean really play. He plays pretend, he tries to make his brother laugh, he plays with his toys, he even goes and gets his toys out of his room. It was been really fun to watch. And with it his vocabulary has grown so much. He already says 2 word sentences. He says Thank you, and see you (like I see you). He has gone from one syllable words to 3! like dinosaur! Hes getting a lot more of the animal name and sound. He says Tiger rawww! The first one was Bird- tweet! We have a basket of animals and he gets them out and says their name or sound or both, and than sets them in a circle and when he has enough out, he starts playing with him. All the dinosaurs eat the animals and the animals run away shrieking. I really have been loving this stage that we are in and he is doing so much better at not completely throwing tantrums and telling me things. not to mention 100 percent completely adorable!


His babies are his new things. You never completely realize how much your child watches you until the mimic you to this extent! It actually started when Amy brought Will a little orange teddy bear from Grandma Cole. We told Brock that it was his babies bear. He would see it and say B! and give it to Will. Then he started saying it was his B and Will became Brother. Now he takes care of his animals like they are all his babies.




WARNING ADORABLE PICTURES!

 Giving B a ride in the Walker

 (I helped him with this a little) he put them in the chairs and then was trying to move them. I picked them up and he got upset so I set them down next to his chair and was so happy he walked around to each one and gave them a kiss. The bear he thinks is a dog and he barks when he sees it, the dog in the bumbo he calls Bear (so not kidding, hilarious!) and of course his B

 Feeding his B a bottle.

These next few pictures was his Idea 100 percent! I had left the baby food on the table and the bumbo out. Brock got the food from the table and put his horse in the bumbo and started feeding him baby food. Later adding a bib. I think its hilarious his mouth is open!! I know I do that too.

Along with his stuffed babies. He has really embraced little brother this month. He helps take care of him, pushing him in the swing, cuddles... etc... Here just look at some cute pictures:

Seriously this kid is TOOO cute for words!!

The rest of February

I honestly feel like this month has gotten so much easier. Even though Michael has been gone a good 70+ percent of the time. Its gone smoother then expected.
It warmed up so we got out and played (it makes me in such a better mood. I love Vitamin D!!) Both boys have started to sleep better. And started to play together. We had our fair share of break downs and tantrums from all sides, but I feel like it was a much better month then January.
I got my new camera since my other one was broken by the big one. So I have been taking it everywhere and taking pictures. Not to mention at home. It has fun new filters:

Cool action multiple shot photos 

 Split screen

we can now take videos, and take picture while you are filming 

 It has a WiFi capability so I can email from my camera post of Facebook and other things.
It can also send pictures to my phone.
Last night we figured out that there's a setting to take pictures on our camera with my phone. So family shots would work so much better. no more need for a timer!
Needless to say I am way way way too excited about this camera.


We babysat one weekend so our friends could go to Wicked for her birthday, and since I had just got my new camera we took pictures. These boys could play and play all day!

Brock and some friends at the Zoo. 

Bubbles

play dough

and mess making! it makes up our days not outside! 

We had such a fun day with dad on a small break for studying for boards! A trip to the zoo was much needed

looking at the lions

 playing with the "trees"

 Hilarious little story: if you see the prairie dog on top of the plastic dome we are in. Brock didn't really notice it, so I showed him it right on top of us and I tapped on the dome well the prairie dog moved I jumped and Brock just freaked out. He started yelling and tried to run out of my arms. Michael could hear him and just started laughing. I was laughing too, I just couldn't help it. He probably inherited my freak out "super power"


The boys and I went to the fun park next to our house a few times!

pretty much Brock's favorite thing to do, you put the rocks down the slides and it hits the flowers and things and makes "music"

a funny video to share.

A few days we just played outside! Will loves the swing, and Brock loves the slide! He actually figured out how to climb up and swing down this month and does it on repeat. always saying WEEEE!!

 Bubbles are huge in the house! Brock can say Bubbles and pop pop pop.

 Some pictures of walks we have taken.

Its been a fun month! We are so looking forward to more warm weather!